Eick's Totally Genuine Supervillain Diary Entry #3

Dear Totally Genuine Diary,

Today I went to the beach.  It was pretty great actually.  At first.

The weather was terrific.  Clear blue sky, sun glistening off the water.  Naturally the beach was packed. 

As you know though, I am literally a genius.  I had foreseen this possibility and planned accordingly.  I arrived at the beach before dawn and began construction of a mighty sand lair.  It was a soaring edifice, inspirational in its sheer menace and brooding majesty. 

Actually it was so good that for the briefest of moments I contemplated burning down into the ground so I could channel some lava up to fill the moat.  With the discreet use of forcefields I could have protected the sand from the heat.  Ultimately I decided such an action would be too likely to blow my cover.

As I was saying, the intricate sand construction was quite impressive and it was more than adequate to the task at hand.  I found some bums early in the morning, cleaned them up and gave them a thousand dollars each to hang out all day and pretend to be working on the lair.  Their presence kept anyone from investigating too closely or breaching my walls.

Meanwhile I was inside, enjoying relative peace and tranquility while I sunbathed.  If I felt like going for a swim there was always my secret escape tunnel that led into the ocean.  Everything was going fantastic.

Then he showed up.  Now look, I know that the Uplift process can lie dormant in anyone and emerge without warning.  I also know that given how badly they scrambled it there's simply no telling how exactly it will manifest.  And I fully understand that the way it frequently overwrites or rewires large sections of a person's brain is a recipe for eccentric behavior.

Even with all that though I think an Otaku Supervillain is a bit much.  The mecha were pretty cool actually.  I may have to look into making something similar.  The killer robots dressed as schoolgirls were pretty freaking weird.  What really struck me as excessive was the mecha-squid.  That was just tacky.

To make matters worse he kept screaming really poorly pronounced (and grammatically deficient) Japanese phrases.  That's when I realized he wasn't an otaku, he was a weeaboo.  Kind of sad really.

To complete the picture, he didn't even seem to have much of a coherent plan.  He was just kind of ravaging the coast in a general sort of way.  Destroying a lot of food stalls and the like, killing some people but not really accomplishing much.

I don't really care about the reputation of supervillains as a group though, and I certainly don't mentor others.  I was happy enough to just let him go about his business.  Actually the explosions and screams were kind of soothing, and the sun was nice and warm, so I took a little nap.

Eventually Overshield deployed a couple teams to stop him and a few more to evacuate the civilians.  I think it was Delta Three Niner and Echo Three Two on weeaboo duty, and Foxtrot Three Two through Three Five on evacuation.  I wasn't exactly paying attention at this point, but I'm pretty sure.

Man they really went at him.  Say whatever you like about his taste but the man could build a mean forcefield and he had a small army of robotic proxies.  Their battle raged for quite some time.

I really should have left at that point, but it was still so nice out.  I don't know which side had it but there was this beam weapon that was attracting all the free-floating dirt particles in the air every time it cycled between shots.  Kept the sky really nice and clear.  It was about noon at this point and I was really getting some nice sun inside the lair, so I decided to hang out a little while longer.

That turned out to be a mistake.  Someone must have dodged close to my position for some reason, because out of nowhere one of the mecha-squid's tentacles came sweeping through the wall of my fortress.  Just completely destroyed it.

I was pretty angry.  I'd worked hard on that.  I was seriously considering going up there (because you have to realize the idiot was actually riding the mecha-squid at this point) and twisting his damn head off. 

Unfortunately with the wall down I was no longer concealed.  Before I could make up my mind Gauntlet spotted me.  He ran his mouth and before I knew it they all were aware I was there.

The General immediately accused me of being the mastermind of this particular attack, and that really pissed me off.  I don't waste my time terrorizing random beach-goers.  I'm too important for that.  I have a mission.  A destiny.  A planet to destroy.

Didn't get a chance to explain that to him (which was a shame because I'd intended to be really patronizing too.)  Instead they started attacking me.  All of Foxtrot Three Five, parts of Three Two and Three Four, even that one guy from Delta Three Niner.  You know.  The one with the weird head.  Can't remember his name at the moment.

Just because I'd planned a day of relaxation hadn't meant I gone to the beach unprepared.  You never know when some jerk's going to block your sun or kick your sand castle or try to incarcerate you for crimes against humanity.  So I had a few dozen weapons and so forth lying around the lair.

Tell you what though, it's harder than you'd think to fight in just a swimsuit.  Didn't have a lot of places to put any of my gear.  Ended up having to loop belts everywhere to hold the stuff.  They chafed.  I need to do something about that for future beach excursions.

Still I tried to ignore the inconvenience and enjoy the fight.  There were really chasing me around the beach for a while.  There were just so many of them.  On top of that weeaboo boy seemed to see me as a threat too, so every once in a while a mecha or something would join the assault and try to kill everyone. 

During one such attack everyone became sufficiently distracted that they lost track of me for a minute.  All except weird head guy.  He tried to take me out by himself.  It didn't go so well for him.  (Not really important to remember his name anymore given the circumstances.)

Afterwards they were still distracted, and as it happened the blast I'd killed him with had more or less decapitated him.  So I took a minute and made a quick body shape out of sand, then stuck his head in the right spot so it looked like that thing people do where they bury their friends. 

The General didn't think it was as funny as I did.  When he turned around and realized what I was doing he got really angry.  Chopped my right arm off.  Ruined the mound too.  No appreciation of art that guy.

After that I wasn't completely disarmed but things weren't looking so great.  I blew the charges I'd lined the moat with (just in case an unruly mob tried to besiege my lair,) grabbed my detached arm and dashed for my escape tunnel.  Surge hit the whole area hard enough to cause a cave in, but I got to the tunneling device first so I was able to just cut a new escape route.  Once I was out at sea I zig-zagged under the mecha-squid and they lost me in the chaos.

Kind of a shitty end to a decent day, really.  I was a mite frustrated so I sank a cargo vessel while I was swimming to safety.  At least I found some decent loot aboard.

Managed to beat a shark to death with my right arm too.  That was pretty funny.  You should have seen the look on his face.

All in all not the worst day.  As you can see my arm is as good as new.  Did manage to piss off the General too.

Could have done even more if I hadn't been so outnumbered.  I mean, I love a challenge but you can take things too far.  Is it really worth it if I can't even take a moment to enjoy myself without it costing an arm and a leg?

Maybe weeaboo boy was on to something.  Not the ridiculous motif of course, but it couldn't hurt to secure some form of reinforcements.  Something to think about.

Love you diary.  Sleep tight.