Eicks' Totally Genuine Supervillain Diary Entry #6

Dear Totally Genuine Diary,

On the surface things have improved greatly since the last time we communed.  I haven't destroyed the planet yet, but I have accrued a number of necessary components for my current plan.  So I should be happy.

I have a sense of unease though.  True my recent confrontations with Foxtrot Three Five have often resulted in a successful withdrawal (absconding with precious and needed loot) but that's not really something I can call a victory.  If our confrontations continue in this fashion I'm not sanguine regarding my chances of success when I finally implement my plan.  What if I do all this work and they just pop in, we batter each-other for a while and then they force me to retreat?  I can't destroy the world like that!

One of the reasons I'm not making any headway is the problem of being outnumbered.  Don't get me wrong, the D-1R3 program is working out quite well, but I'm not building up any kind of reserve because Foxtrot Three Five is destroying my assistants nearly as quickly as I can design and assemble them.  It's a troubling trend.

Take the last month alone.  Gauntlet counter-hacked D-1R3 Mosquito and it was forced to self-destruct (although I least I was able to salvage those equations.)  D-1R3 Giraffe successfully tractor-beamed that shuttle, but Surge crushed the poor guy as he tried to follow my escape.  The cover that D-1R3 Anteater gave allowed me to hold out long enough for the factory to complete the circuitry I needed, but he was destroyed when the building collapsed.

Not a reassuring track record.  Each D-1R3 is individually quite useful but they can't handle the strain of confronting a whole team of skilled enemies.  The smart thing would be to build them up over time, but I can't lay low that long.  The itch won't let me.  I suppose I could do a few solo runs, but those lovable Foxtrot Three Five bastards get more competent all the time.  I'm not certain I can afford to give them that kind of edge.

No, I need to streamline my operation somehow, increase its efficiency so I can build more D-1R3s in a given span.  I've probably already hit the limits of robotic assistance in that category.  Scaling up any more would require physical expansion, and I don't think I could stay hidden under those circumstances.  Unless...I acquire some help of the non-robotic kind.

Fortunately I'm an old hand at recruiting minions.  Little rusty maybe, but I'm figure it's like bipedal locomotion.  Oh, be right back.  That alarm informs me it's time to acquire my first inferior partner.

*  *  *

Okay, so that could have gone better, but at least I learned something.  I ambushed Gauntlet on his way home.  Took a bit of time (and devastated a few blocks) but I eventually beat the shit out of him, thus demonstrating my superiority and worthiness to lead.  All exactly to plan.  

A funny thing happened though.  When I demanded he swear an oath of fealty to me as is customary he laughed.  (At least I assume that weird digital stuttering was a laugh.  Could have been a malfunction I suppose.  I did hammer him pretty good.)  Said my methods were way out of date.  Weird.  

Since he gave me some valuable information I decided to let him live.  (It wouldn't have been much fun to kill him all by himself.  That can wait until the whole team is there.)

I've been doing a bit of research into how to recruit people, and I think I've got the hang of it.  I'm going to go try out my new method.  Be right back.

*  *  *

Apparently I do not have the hang of it.  My sources said there are four key steps.  1.  Demonstrate how great your team is.  2.  Offer something worth accomplishing.  3.  Show how the recruit could be a valued contributor.  4.  Project how the recruit will personally benefit.

I thought I was nailing it.  First I would appear in the recruit's home or work, bypassing all security, thus showing that my team (i.e. me) was great.  Next I would ask if they wanted to permanently leave their mark on the world.  By destroying it.  After that I would go into great detail as to how their area of expertise could be utilized to bring on the apocalypse.  And to close I would offer them a ship full of resources once the planet no longer existed.

Seemed like a solid strategy, but I guess not.  Failure once or twice might be a coincidence.  I got 11 recruits fainting, 4 trying to attack me, 19 calling DUO and 1 heart attack.  Not sure where I went wrong.  I'm going to go do some more research.

*  *  *

I found a website that suggests that women are apt to follow perfidious individuals of the male sex, especially if they are on the young side.  Another website suggested that women flock to those who are rude or even demeaning.  My attempts to replicate these studies have shown them to be in error.  More research is warranted.  (Also I need to get these bullets extracted before I forget about them.)

*  *  *

From what I can tell persuasion and building trust over time is very important to getting people to follow you these days.  I really don't have the inclination, patience or schedule for that sort of...oh for crying out loud.  Two groups of criminals are having one of their 'firefights' out in the street in front of my house.  Again.  I've asked them several times to quiet down when I'm trying to work but they just won't take a hint.  

And another thing, their aim is atrocious.  Several dozen rounds have already struck my domicile.  Okay fine, the defenses stopped them, but it's the principle of the thing.  Besides such incompetence makes me slightly nauseous.  If these were my minions I'd...hmm.  Back in a few.

*  *  *

They...they laughed at me.  (They tried to kill me too, but that's a mere trifle.)  They dared to make fun of me.  All I asked was for them to give me a few of their minions in return for me not slaughtering everyone involved for disturbing my work.  In response they mocked me.  Ordinary petty criminals had the sheer unmitigated gall.

Despite what you might expect, I didn't kill them.  Oh no.  They don't get off that easily.  They will rue this day.  I'm going to acquire minions, and I'm going to execute this plan.  In service of those goals I'm also going to ruin their miserable lives.  Just you wait and see.

Vindictively Yours,
Eicks